Weight loss is weird

A little over two years ago, something happened.  I started a journey.  I didn't go anywhere.  Not really, but about fifty pounds of me vanished into thin air.  Let's take a second to consider how awesome our bodies are for a second.  Our food either turns into energy or gets stored up to be energy in the future.  Maybe that's a key idea I missed in the beginning - the fat on our bodies is just waiting to be used.  It's been sitting around for weeks - maybe even years - to be used!  I've gone through a lot of mine in the past couple years.

Losing a significant amount of weight tends to attract attention, whether wanted or not, warranted in our minds or not, and sometimes when we really don't care anymore.  Because of this, I still find myself getting asked questions about my weight loss.  A lot of times it's someone from church harmlessly enough commenting, "You sure have lost some weight, haven't you?"  One elderly man told me after the Christmas Eve service - in which I sang a number of songs - "I just have to say that you look gorgeous."  It's weird what happens when you lose weight.  Not only does part of your body just go away, but so does part of who you are.

I still pass by mirrors and catch little glimpses of myself and have to stop and re-examine.  I don't look like who I think I am anymore.  I've heard and seen a lot of weight loss gimmicks whose spokespeople say things like, "I feel like myself again!"  Let me tell you that the only time I feel like the person I knew myself to be two years ago is when I'm sick or incapacitated in some way.  I spent the better part of ten years as a chubby girl.  I bought into the whole belief of my generation that a 5'6" girl wearing a size 14 wasn't fat; she was just "curvy."  I cheered with America Ferrera's character in Real Women Have Curves and laughed when I tried to imagine that Renee Zellweger's Bridget Jones was fat.  I ate as much pizza as I could get my hands on.  I gave up French fries the summer after my junior year of high school, but ate a McChicken, side salad, and pink lemonade a few times a week.

Now, I'm not making excuses here, but explanations are in order.  I won't tell you that being fat made me depressed or that being depressed made me sad.  They certainly played well off of each other and one habit fed the other both literally and metaphorically.  It's really easy to get down on yourself if others are down on you; it's even easier if you buy into their beliefs somehow, but are in denial.  In a lot of ways, I was totally different from my 7-12th grade peers.  My family life was less traditional, I'd just moved across the country, I had red hair, I had less experience with sports, I was chubbier, and I was a shy intelligent kid who didn't feel the least bit in control of her life.

Losing weight two years ago wasn't my first time.  The summer after eighth grade, I was in a pretty dark place and lost twenty-five pounds in a matter of weeks.  I tend to block out unpleasant life events and I'm terrible with remembering numbers, but that summer, I lost a significant amount of weight in a short time in an incredibly unhealthy manner.  I was sluggish and depressed - but I had something I was controlling.  The doctor confronted me about the sudden weight loss and drew blood to see if something was wrong with me. I made some excuses and returned to eating "normally" again.  The weight returned, too, more and more.  I grew, though, so I stayed the same size in pants throughout high school - a size 12.  After high school came the size 14's.  I cried about my new jeans while swallowing Oreos and talking to my then best friend.  In the fall of 2009, a close friend asked me to be her Maid of Honor for the wedding in October 2010.  I was also enrolled in a PE "class" at community college, so I started monitoring my calories by hand and with the help of the calorie counting book my grandparents had kept around the house since the mid-90's.  I decided not to count the calories of vegetables because most of them are "free" in Weight Watchers points.  I lost a little weight then and was pretty proud of myself.

The third years of things tend to be the years things in my life get rough.  My junior year of high school brought about the loss of my Nana, who invested her golden years in raising me.  My third year of college brought about the revelation that my great aunt had terminal cancer.  It's hard to be a teenager living at home and dealing with death.  It's also hard to be 22 and living 6.5 hours away dealing with the uncharted.

Still, in March of 2011, I had a doctor's appointment in which the doctor said she'd be more comfortable if I lost at least 20 pounds.  I weighed in at 200 pounds, by the way, which just about killed me.  I never thought I'd see the "two" as the first number of my weight.  Of course, I'd avoided scales for a good while, and ignored the results for even longer.  At the end of January, during the first of a few weekends home sponsored by the incredible generosity of a friend in Berea, I went on my "second first" date with the guy whose fingers sneaked their way into the picture of perfect oatmeal cookies.  We'd been friends for years and had decided to take a stab at something terrifying to both of us.  It was obvious from the start that this relationship would not be allowed to come at the expense of our friendship, so I explained to him what the doctor had said.  We decided that if I was going to go for 20, I might was well go for "it" - "it," of course, being health.  Yeah, we've pretty much all heard that losing 10% of your body fat makes a big difference, but how awesome would it be to be labeled "healthy" for the first time in forever?!  I used the body mass index as an estimator of where my healthy range would be - smack dab in the middle for my height is my ultimate goal: 135 pounds.

And so it began.  I need a way to track things.  I know there are people who believe that tracking things using a points systen is simpler or that simply upping their veggies and fruits will solve their weight issues, but I know I wouldn't be anywhere without logging all of my food all of the time.  I needed reality checks for every bite.  My Fitness Pal was the most fantastic thing I could have found.  There are other calorie tracking sites you can use, but I fell in love with MFP instantly.  When I finish my weight loss eventually, I will be even more ecstatic about the MFP app I've installed on my phone.

Here's the timeline I made of what happened during the first year of weight loss:

• March 7, 2011 - I started using My Fitness Pal religiously. I started out at 1550 calories and lost so much over the first could weeks that it soon started suggesting lowering my calorie threshold. I was in a water fitness class that semester.
• March 11-20, 2011 - Spring Break. I was with my boyfriend every day at some point, talking until I dozed off in his arms, driving anywhere but home, and falling more deeply in love. By day, I stayed home, helping, cleaning, making dinner, trying to stay upbeat, and praying for peace.
• April - Before returning home for summer, I returned to the doctor.  I made the nurse weigh me again. I'd already lost over 20 pounds. The doctor was impressed. My co-worker gave me a hard time, saying I'd gain it all back. My friends kept telling me I didn't need to lose weight, but by this point, I had a few won over.
• May 2011 - I was down to 1200 calories a day.  I searched for a summer job. I helped around the house. I worked at a concession stand a few nights a week. 
• June 2011 - In the same week I worked my new job as a waitress, my great aunt passed away. I ran away from it, but not so much to food as to the loving embrace of my boyfriend's sheltering arms. The night she died, I went to a friend's house and waited for a call. When I got the call, I was with my boyfriend. He held me as I cried and blurted every insecurity and sadness I was feeling. My staunchly unimpressed-by-religion boyfriend said to Christian as can be me, "She's in a better place." "I thought you don't believe that." "I don't, but you do. And that's all that matters."
• July - August 2011 - Being home was a stress with my family adjusting.
• October 8, 2011 - I came home for a weekend via Greyhound. I bought a car from a friend. I own a freedom chariot that carries me to the people I love.
• Mid-December 2011 - Mid-January 2012 - During Christmas Break, I abandoned strictly logging calories and being obsessed. I gained seven pounds, I think. I learned that sometimes it's worth it. I don't regret a moment.
• Mid January-End of January 2012- It was gone in a few weeks of cutting down to 1000 calories a day and aiming for protein over carbs and sugar.

To be honest, I haven't been losing weight for the last few months... I actually have gained a little and stabilized somewhere between 150 and 155.  My lowest weight was last summer when I was doing the Couch to 5K program and I was down to 145.  I've been pretty lacking in motivation myself lately.  I also have a few joint issues that aren't enough for doctors to care about, but are enough to leave me in some pretty dire straits when I'm in the middle of a run or stand up only to fall down because my knee gave out or my ankle decided to be weak.  So, for the past four months, I've been getting used to my body.  Maybe once I get comfortable seeing who I am, I'll be more ready to go all the way and blast those last 15-20 pounds.  Right now, though, I enjoy what I eat and eat healthily.  Though I haven't been tracking my calories, I'm proud of my maintenance and really am enjoying my body as it is.  I still feel so tiny, though!  I've come to the realization that I used to be able to just throw my weight around and that people ignored me more when I was heavy.

Now people look at me, comment about my weight, ask about my figure and workout routine (which is usually especially embarrassing because it's generally nonexistent), and some even beg for advice.  I never know who I'm more or less comfortable around: those who knew before me or those who only have met me since the 50 pounds vanished.  I know I'm glad my boyfriend knew me before because he was my rock during all o the initial tough times.  I wonder if I'll ever stop feeling like before people are mentally clocking each bite of ice cream or piece of bread.  I hate the comments of people who assume they know how I "stay so skinny," but still feel a little flicker of pride in keeping myself that way.  I don't like getting a lot of attention from strangers, but I love being able to publicly wear sweatpants and not be dodging cameras.

Weight loss is weird.

If you're ready to try it, though, here are my tips:

• Support:  I had my boyfriend pushing me, my friends backing me, and my family being fairly non-judgmental.  There are plenty of internet forums for help, too!
• Weigh in:  I did it every day for a long time.  Yeah, you'll go up some days and down others.  I find it comforting to see the overall downward slope, though.  The body is frickin' amazing.
• Be honest:  I told people outright why I wasn't eating this, that, or the other thing.  Instead of saying or believing that you're on a diet, call it a lifestyle change.  Tell others that you're "working toward" a goal, not depriving yourself.
• Exercise:  I'm a hypocrite, as I don't nearly enough, but I know I wouldn't have lost weight at different points nearly as quickly as I did.  Also, don't eat your exercise calories.
• Track your calories:  Just do it.
• Say goodbye:  Certain things in your life will not make it past weight loss.  I have so few clothes from two years ago.  Everything I have came from thrift stores, free piles, and the goodness of people's hearts.  You won't be eating a pizza every week anymore.  People will notice you.
• Motivation:  The doctor's opinion is what hooked me.  Ask your doctor what he/she thinks.
• Change:  Everything.  Eating habits, routines, clothes, shoes, etc.
• Believe:  Pray, hope, smile, cry, and be realistic.  This isn't easy.  It's really, really, really, super duper, crazy-awesome, ridiculously difficult.  But if I can do it, I know anyone can!

Here is what I wrote at the end of my one year dietversary note:

All in all, the past year could have been really awful. There were bits that were, but to be perfectly honest, being in love with my best friend has been the best thing about it. He has helped me with every piece of everything. From holding me when I cry to scolding me when I'm irrational, from patiently explaining how to do a push up to how to fix my laptop, and for never ceasing to believe I am capable of anything, I am a better version of myself in the here and now. 

I had also resolved to lose the rest by March 2013.  That didn't happen, but I did buy and rock a bikini (though admittedly a Turkish beach was the perfect place to feel good about my body) and don't feel guilty about indulgences.

Non-scale victories all around!  Good luck and God's blessings to anyone who has the courage to take the leap!  I really am open to questions!