The Modesty Myth

Warning:  This post might offend you.  There are some words you may find distasteful, plenty of ideas with which you may disagree, and some things, that if you read, may lead your opinions to shift a bit.  Choose your next step wisely.

Recently, I've noticed an odd occurrence in my Facebook news feed and elsewhere on the internet.  It seems to me that I've been seeing a lot more of the word "modesty" lately.  Now, although I don't have a problem with "modesty" in and of itself, I have some issues with why we encourage modesty and some serious issues with our discouragement of other people's expressions of modesty.  To be frank (as in "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn," not as in "Frank Sinatra), I find it incredible that many of the people I see suddenly becoming a voice for modesty are also people who have field days talking about how terrible hijabs and burqas are.  Understand, please, that the people I associate with - as with many people, I believe - are very much like myself.  We're somewhere in the lower middle class, white, Protestant, and have some seriously strong links to the American Midwest.  And the funny thing is that I don't think that's a bad thing, necessarily.  Although I have pretty open views on most things, I understand how socializing goes and recognize that I'm really not particularly good at diversifying my friend group.

I also recently came across a new Facebook friend and real-life acquaintance's status update bemoaning the lack of respect for people who are and who appear to be young.  And she's totally correct.  Although I don't often get second-guessed by strangers and I'm starting to look my age for the first time in about ten years, I feel really strange sometimes because of the way my own family members react to some things I say or do.  When I was twelve and reading Gone with the Wind, the only copy the Kingman Library had was the large print edition, so I was toting around the first volume of two 8"x12"x4" copies for a while.  When I got to the middle of that volume - which is a difficult task, by the way, because when you're not used to it and don't need it, large print is far more of a hindrance than a help!  On our next trip to the mall, I went to the bookstore and asked if they had any copies of Gone with the Wind.  "You mean, like a children's copy?"  Yes, because Gone with the Wind, the tawdry Civil War novel has a children's edition, nitwit!  But I digress.  The point is that we, probably as a global society, look down on those who are younger than we are and are expected to look up to those who are older than we are.  How arbitrary is that?  Think about it for a second.  On the surface, yes, we all have that engraved on our psyches, but I want you to seriously think about that.

And when you do, remember that some of our assumptions with that respect are that we must bite our tongues when we encounter something we understand better than our elders, that we must smile - or at least nod - while he or she talks about how much better things were when "I was your age," that we must ignore significant historical data that we may know concerning their topic, that we much turn our back on what we think - all because someone is older than we.

Does that make a lick of sense to you?

I find myself squelching my thoughts from time to time, averting my eyes, and clenching my teeth to avoid controversy.  It happens far too often.  I have this incredible anxiety not so much about offending others or even disrespecting them, but about how their offense will negatively impact our relationship.  I'm a stubborn person when I want something badly or believe in something enough, but I'm able to listen to people and have the uncanny blessing (curse) of severe empathy.  If everyone had this ability, the world, I assure you, would be a much more heart-wrenching place.  I'm constantly conflicted and constantly on guard.  It's really hard for me to listen to person after person complain about the health care act without acknowledging the problems from every angle.  I sharply inhale when I hear people say that healthcare is not a right, it's a privilege, and it's not for everyone.  I feel a tingle up my back when people bash beliefs other than their own.  And I want to scream at the people who make snide comments about my trip to Turkey, the people I met there, and who think they are being clever when they talk about hijab (head scarves) in a derisive tone.

"Did you have to wear that everywhere?"  That's how it starts.

"No, just in mosques, mostly."  I try to leave out that in Konya, I felt remarkably more comfortable with my head covered at all times.

"Why would you go into a mosque?  I don't know why you'd ever want to go to a place like that.  I wouldn't."

That's usually when I want to call them a pea-brained American stereotype.  And that's also when I usually assess why it is that I spend time with them in the first place.  Most people with whom I share my photos are beloved family or friends, so I brush it off and I'm pretty honest with them.  Some are kids who've just overheard their family's close-minded remarks and don't know any better.  Actually, most people just don't know any better.

And that, in my opinion, is utmost unacceptability.

There is no excuse for this ignorance, this hatred, this fear of what we history majors call "the other."  Let me say that again:  there is no excuse.  There might have been at one time, I'll concede that.  There was a time when we were closed off from the world and really had few ways of accessing it.  Today, however, if you're reading this, if you're scrolling through your Facebook news feed, if you're watching YouTube videos to kill the time, and find yourself - as I often do - needing a way to occupy your mind with something other than the here and now, you can be exploring.  We often talk about travel and how wonderful it is.  Although what education-minded people would call experiential learning is priceless and incredible, there are other types of learning.  You could check out a book on Turkey and learn more than the history I picked up on my study tour, but you'll not know what it's like to feel more comfortable in that head scarf than without.  But there are books about that.  There are blogs about that.  Heck, there are vlogs that address that and other cultural perceptions.  There are people on the street who are years younger than me who know a hell of a lot more about wearing hijab than I ever will.

It seems to me that modesty and age go hand in hand with one another.  We seem to want to tell our children adolescent girls that they need to wear shirts up to their collarbones, loose skirts to their knees, and moreover, act modest.  We warn girls to not lead boys on.  We teach girls our children that women are to blame for the failings of men.  I have witnessed an incredible pooling of joy for the video above this paragraph, a song entitled "Virtue Makes You Beautiful."  I wanted to like it - I did.  I went into it thinking, "Well, if we're talking 'virtue,' that's exciting," and when the music started playing, my boy band loving self (no, I'm not really a One Direction fan, but I'd be lying if I didn't mention that they have some catchy tracks and I know the one this song rips off) was thrilled to hear the opening riff.  But then the lyrics started.  And, for Pete's sake, the chorus of this song is:

"If only you saw what I can see,

you'd understand why I need your modesty.

Right now I'm talking to you and you must believe

You gotta know-oh-oh -

Virtue is so beautiful!"

Let's just take a moment to examine this in the order it's thrown out to us before the beats of the song allow for it to be.  "If only you saw what I can see," means that these shirt and tie clad teenage boys want this girl to see herself as they do.  Okay, cool.  This is stolen directly from the original hit pop song.  "You'd understand why I need your modesty."  Stomach flop.  Feel that puke rush up your esophagus.  Yes, what that catchy hit tune just got you nodding along to was that women need to be emblems of modesty.  What's more, this is not for themselves, but for the "I" of this song: the men boys male gender.  "Right now I'm talking to you and you must believe," means that this isn't a choice, but a command.  Look!  "Must believe."  "You gotta know-oh-oh - virtue is so beautiful!"  Not you.  Not how you carry your virtue.  Not what makes a woman "virtuous," but "virtue" itself.  The implications of this are truly disgusting and it bothers me to no end that people I've always respected have liked and shared this in what as become such a public forum as Facebook.  This is a big deal, folks.  This song is boys and men telling girls and women that their modesty is necessary to our way of life and they have no choice but to hold the same views as the menfolk or else the men may well not be able to keep it in their pants.  Moreover, they're saying that clothes make the woman and that they have the right to judge our value based on the clothes we wear

"Really, Yvonne?  Is that fair?"

Yes, I think it is, thank you very much.  (And I'm not the only one.)

Have you ever watched Frasier?  It's one of my all-time favorite sitcoms and I've recently gotten Tom pretty into it, too.  Our post-X-Files world is a bit of a minefield, but we're coping.  The most fascinating character, in my opinion is Roz Doyle.  Now, if you don't know anything about the show I suppose Roz's stereotype would be "the slutty one."  There are plenty of cracks about Roz Doyle's sex life, desperate grabs for good dates, and dissatisfaction.  But they gave her so much more than that.  Roz is a professional woman in a competitive market and works her way around a man's world with more savvy prowess than any of her male counterparts.  She's smart, witty, and always has a killer comeback.  You get the feeling she can throw a punch, but can cry on her friend's shoulder.  Roz Doyle is a fantastic woman who is in control of her life, who deals with curves life throws her way, who rises above, and who can schmooze and influence anyone.

Is she "virtuous" in the sense that those men are talking about?  Hell no and damned proud of it!  Would she be caught dead in a burqa?  Probably not, but I'd be willing to bet that entering a mosque,  she'd slip on a head scarf without a thought and wouldn't judge women who choose to wear them.

I ask you: what is virtue?

Is it an ethereal thing?  Is it attainable?  Is it scary?  What is virtue?  I've copied and pasted Mirriam-Webster's online definition of virtue on the page of lined notebook paper to the left.  I can go with definition 1, actually.  "1a: conformity of a standard of right: morality, b: a particular moral excellence."  That leaves open the definition of morality.  And I think that our popular definition of morality is lacking.  It should be more proactive and less limiting.

I have a theory that limiting ourselves - in any way - is to our own detriment.

Now, do I think modesty is a bad thing?  No.  I believe that being judging others's modesty with our own arbitrary definition breeds hate.  One of the strangest memories I have from being in a Lutheran high school was traveling to another school and having to change in the locker room with their girls basketball team.  Did I mentino this was a strict Baptist school?  Well, it was, and those girls were really interested in our game day attire.  Most teams were required to wear dress clothes on game day so that we could look presentable.  However, our definition of "dress clothes" and "dress code" were very different things.  Their cheerleaders wore ankle-length circle skirts with knee-length bloomers beneath them and loose sweaters. Ours wore typical pleated mid-thigh skirts, lollipops (spandex underwear covers, in team color blue), and tight little vests and sometimes long-sleeved white turtlenecks under them.  Their girls basketball team was, likewise, changing out of ankle-length skirts and in awe of our short skirts, heels, and décolletage.  "You're allowed to wear that to school?  I should probably also mention that our school's dress code had been strengthened from that of previous years.  We had to wear collared shirts, though that could be skirted around if you were a girl and claimed what you were wearing was, in fact, a blouse, or if - like me, who really didn't give any care to the dress code - you might have discovered that you could get away with wearing a t-shirt if you put a semi-sheer hooded long-sleeved shirt over it.  The hem of our skirts and shorts had to be at least three inches below our fingertips when we stood stiffly.  Footwear needed to have at least a back strap.  But those girls were amazed by our immodesty.  And many of us were amazed by theirs.  Thing is, we were all dressing to the code of modest within our tightest social framework.

I'd consider myself a fairly modest dresser, but I'd also consider myself fairly liberal with my definition of "modest."  I also consider myself fairly virtuous, but my "virtue" is different from that the boys in the video sing about.

What of it?

It's bizarre to me that people I know find head scarves and burqas offensive and oppressive, but don't see the hypocrisy of endorsing these offensive and oppressive social regimes within their own circles.  But I know what causes this, and it's even more bizarre to my way of thinking.  We we are so lacking in understanding that we ignore what the women in the head scarves and burqas tell us about them.  Yes.  We are so afraid that we don't take the time to look at these garments - or, if you want to get closer to home: imagine the Baptist girls I shared that locker room with - as they are meant to be seen.  What's more is that we enforce our perceptions of them onto the wearer:

"Her family must make her wear that."

"Why would you wear that?"

"That looks so stupid."

"Check for bombs in there.  Terrorist."

It's sickening to me.  Yes, there are girls and women who are oppressed.  There are also boys and men who are oppressed.  Regardless of what is worn, oppression is bad.  Oppression has nothing to do with what you wear.  When it comes to clothing, it has everything to do with who is making the decision to wear it.  I would consider it oppressive if Tom demanded I wear my wedding ring and admonished me when I didn't.  Plenty of women choose to wear their wedding rings and we don't think that's bad, but the minute it's a decision not of your own volition is when, in my opinion, this becomes an oppression-related issue.

I'm not denying that there are women in the world who dress a certain way - in burqa, let's say - at the behest of their families or because they must because of the controlling power, but there is a lot more to it than that.  Not every woman in a head scarf is oppressed.  In the same way that we regard covering our American breasts and private parts, those women are saving things for the eyes of their husbands and loved ones who would love them regardless of the oiliness of their hair or the acne on their neck. I could go on and on here - objectification leads to oppression, so that supermodel with the unrealistic airbrushed body is leading to my oppression, et cetera, but I have something else I want to get to.

"Modesty" and "virtue" are not words that should be solely regarded for the females of our species.  Women and girls are taught these things throughout the world.  In my giant history capstone paper during my final semester at Berea College, I wrote:

Consider our nation’s standards of beauty and morality as laid out in our own cultural standards of dress and behavior.  If a woman was waiting on a corner while wearing jeans and a coat at noon, no one would notice or care.  However, if she was waiting on that same corner wearing a revealing dress and sky-high heels at midnight, someone might report her for prostitution.  The motives in the two situations could well be the same, but the cultural perception calls for a moral judgment.  Similarly, certain segments of Turkish society have become so rooted in Islamic conservatism that women who do not wear higab are considered to be more promiscuous than women who do.  This also plays into women’s fashion, as well – wearing higab can be very fashionable in modern Turkish society and may merely be an accessory for some.  Thus, higab helps to inform a deeper understanding of the complexity of secularism which has become so entwined with Turkish identity.  Clearly, higab has a large impact on women’s roles in society, but there are larger issues within the context of Turkish modernity...

There exist pockets in the world where women's roles are different from our own.  That terrifies us, but we're also terrified of the "other" who have similar views to the ones we're familiar with.

"You mean we have something in common with the 'other?'"  (Yeah, go figure, right?!  I mean, someone we see as so different could be us.)

Boys and men should also be brought up in such a way that disrespect and self-control are discouraged.  They should not be taught "boys will be boys" and "she was asking for it."  They should be taught that kindness and understanding are key principles.  We should foster love and hope.  We cannot allow our boys to grow up to be men who need our collective modesty.  We should all have enough self-control to keep it in our pants or skirts or kilts... or whatever bottoms we choose to wear!  No one sex is to blame for the inequalities in our world, but it's not a far stretch to acknowledge that we are bombarded with images of strong men and weak women and are influenced by that from a very young age.  We have so much left to do for our children, our future children, and their children's children's children.  I'm not not naive enough to believe that I can solve this thing and I'm still cynical enough to believe that we'll need to always keep the conversation going, but we owe it to humanity to get ourselves straightened out.  (Check this out to learn more about people who are actively working on this problem.)

Religious people of the world:  We need to unite to get things straightened out.  We need to be open to explaining and listening.  We need to really look at what our teachings say.  We need to prioritize.  I love 1 Timothy 4:12: "... set an example... in speech, in conduct, in love, and in purity."  Show others how to act with what you say, how you act, with open love, and - lastly - with "purity."  We make such a mountain out of a mole hill sometimes, don't we, though?  Going on and on about "purity," "modesty," "virtue," and the like?

Forget (think of Cee-Lo Green's famous radio edit) all of that!

My personal favorite of this picture emphasizes Jesus's
frustration with our refusal to take his new
commandment to heart with a variation of the word
Cee-Lo and I have bleeped out.

Clothes mean nothing.  Action means everything.  Stop bossing people around because you believe yourself superior because of your age, race, religion, fashion sense, or anything else.  It's giving me a headache and making me lose my breakfast.