This is actually about my vows.
You see, we haven't made any yet. We literally signed the piece of paper in the presence of our immediate family members. I think everyone - our parents and the lone sibling - felt this was a bit anticlimactic, but we warned them all as best as we could! We want to save all of the ceremony for the upcoming wedding. The law in our state doesn't require you to have a ceremony, make vows, or even have a witness to make a marriage legal. So we "got legalled" without any of those things. At the courthouse, however, they did ask us some - for lack of a better word - interesting questions such as whether or not we're related more closely than second cousins, whether we were both intending to get married, and a couple other fun facts.
Every once in a while, someone asks me what the wedding will be like - one of us being much more into faith than the other. Although I'm not sure, I know I don't want to use the Christian Marriage section from the WELS's Northwestern Publishing House's Christian Worship. My grandfather had a little black book in which he'd devised his own ceremony and currently claims he has it "up here" (while pointing to his mane of black and silver curls). I think I may have to have him write it out for my peace of mind.
I've been thinking about what vows Tom and I will make in August. We promise each other things all the time: I promise not to tickle you when you've thrown your back out. I promise not to bring up a big discussion right before bed (this often gets broken). I promise to take the litter out tomorrow. Let's promise not to fight about holidays ever again. I promise to always love you.
I think that last one is all that anyone needs to say in a marriage vow, though obviously, marriage vows aren't necessary to be married...
Um, anyway...
I've read through the "marriage promises" (they're questions asked to the bride and groom, followed by succinct promise) in CW. I don't like them. It's not that they're not effective for what they are, but they don't wholly reflect what I believe marriage is, at least not my marriage.
- To the Groom: ________, will you take _______ to be your wife? Will you be guided by the counsel and direction God has given in his Word and love your wife as Christ loved the Church? Will you be faithful to her, cherish her, support her, and help her in sickness and in health as long as you both shall live? If so, answer, "I will."
- To the Bride: _______, will you take_______ to be your husband? Will you be guided by the counsel and direction God has given in his Word and submit to your husband as the Church submits to Christ? Will you be faithful to him, cherish him, support him, and help him in sickness and in health as long as you both shall live? If so, answer, "I will."
- In Turn: I, ______, in the presence of God and these witnesses, take you, ______, to be my wife/husband. I promise to be faithful to you as long as we both shall live.
I don't suppose most people question their beliefs when pondering their wedding vows, but I am. I do suppose, however, that I've been dancing around this for a very long time. I believe wholeheartedly that the Christ loves His people and that the Church must, at all cost, submit to Christ. I do not believe this is a good interpretation of my marriage thus far or any description of how I want my marriage to be in the future.
Often, we look to what we Christians call the place in the Bible where God instituted marriage, Genesis 2. The passage goes that God wanted Adam to find a helper, so God let him see and name all of the animals. Here's what happened next in Genesis 2:20b-24
But for Adam no suitable helper was found. So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man's ribs and closed up the place with flesh. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.
The man said,
"This is now the bone of my bones
and flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called 'woman,'
for she was taken out of man."
For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.
Now, let's think about this for a minute. I'd like to point out, firstly, that this particular marriage - the one we point to as the one to begin all marriages - is quite unique. We're not talking the kind of unique like mine is (girl meets boy, girl and boy have to dance together, boy trips girl, girl sits next to boy on long bus ride, boy dates girl's friend, boy and girl become friends online, etc. and the rest is history); we're talking, "I've looked through all of the other creatures on the planet and God hasn't made one that is at all like me - yet." And then God does it. There are no other humans on the earth. Even though we have two creation accounts in our Genesis, neither one of them mentions vows. Neither one mentions love. Neither mentions choice. In Genesis 1:28, God blesses them and commands them simply, "Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it..."
I'd make the argument that we now are more comfortable with the idea of marriage being more about helping than about increasing in number. For this reason, I like the Genesis chapter two account slightly more than the Genesis chapter one account. I think they're nice in tandem, too, which is the way most of us learned them, I believe. No children's Bible or Sunday School lesson I've ever seen has split them up, anyway. But that doesn't matter, I guess. I suppose also it could be argued that love, in a perfect world, was inherent. Okay, I'll give in. But there is no choice. Now, we have infinite people to choose from. And the people we choose to have in our lives are there because of our decisions, our actions, and our words.
I keep asking myself, "What is my marriage?"
I don't need to make any vows for another eight months, but I'm starting to wonder how to explain to people how wonderful this is. Every now and again I stop to think than anyone who's been in love has felt this same thing, but I don't truly believe this, as I think lust is often mistaken for "in love." But surely those who've actually been in love have felt this... right? Then a soft internal voice says, "Maybe not." Maybe our love is unique. Maybe our story is so much our own that our love is also different. And if our love is different, then maybe all of our cares, desires, and our lives together are therefore also different. Different. Please note that I'm not saying "special" or that our love is better than your love. I'm saying simply that maybe each relationship is fundamentally different on some level. And maybe some have similarities with others' relationships.
What does that mean?
It means that I can't honestly vow to Tom that I'll submit as to him the Church does to Christ. I'll submit to Christ. I'll follow the laws of the land. I'll help and respect my husband. But I expect him to help and respect me just as much. I've never done well with authority, I've never liked group projects, but I've always done rather well on partner work. When Tom and I want to, we can bust out some pretty cool stuff together - he even helped me make Christmas cookies! In order to open our back door, one must turn the key in the deadbolt and turn the door handle at once. I'm really good at turning the door handle while he turns the key. We take good care of Fox: Tom usually feeds him and I always take out the litter. Together, sure. I'm a helper. I get the metaphor and why it's beautiful: Christ is in charge, but died for His people; the Church, in thankfulness, submits to Christ's will and aids His cause.
All good. But it leads to thoughts like those voiced in this blog entry from Loving Life at Home, 25 Ways to Communicate Respect (to your husband). None of these ideas are bad in and of themselves. What bothers me is that they are all about "him." I deserve this same respect. And I expect to get it. I really wanted to love this entry, given that when I first read it, I was just done with my last post, a major theme of which was becoming a housewife. Alas, and did my heart bleed to read that I am supposed to respect "him" but not to expect anything in return. That I should dress for "him" and not for myself. What did I read? I read that I should put more into my marriage than "he" does. Thankfully, I'm not married to "him."
I'm married to Tom!
Somehow, through a great mixture of luck, friendship, grace, patience, impatience, tears, hugs, kisses, and love, I've found myself married to my best friend. I'm married to someone I prayed for and have known for years. I'm married to someone I literally dreamed about. He doesn't expect me to wait on him hand and foot - incidentally, this makes me more likely to do so from time to time, on my time. He doesn't expect me to not talk about my day and we encourage each other to share our respective days and when we can, we actually spend time together. We like being together more than with most other people. We are honest with each other and share our needs with the other.
I think this mutual respect is a good thing.
Sure. We argue. We say things without thinking. We glare. We huff. We sigh. We growl. We storm out of the room. We roll our eyes. We don't know what to do.
No one said life was going to be easy. No one said marriage was, either, but it oftentimes feels a vastly more complicated than most vows might lead you to believe. Personally, I like the sound of some of the more simple ones on this page from The Knot. I don't feel the need to compare Christ's relationship with His Church to Tom's relationship with his wife. I don't feel like it's relevant. I think the most bonding thing in marriage is the love. I think the most bonding thing in the world is love. People often write about love and I know I have in the past, but I think that if we look at this in this context, things become clearer. What do I want from Tom and what do I expect from myself in my relationship with Tom - though I know I will inevitably fail time and again?
I expect to love one another as Christ has loved us - as friends, as people willing to die for one another, as equals, as human beings (John 15:12). I expect to be patient, kind, to not envy, to not boast, to be humble, to be polite, to be selfless, to anger slowly, to keep no record of wrongs, to not delight in evil but to rejoice with the truth, to always protect, always trust, always hope, always persevere (1 Corinthians 13:4-8a). I expect to have love on my side and expect love to never fail.
Maybe we'll write our own vows, maybe we'll revert to something very traditional. Maybe we'll twist some song lyrics we like into vows Maybe we'll simply promise to love one another as much as we can. I don't know. As I said, we have another eight months or so to figure this out. I just know that when I make a vow, it's not going to be one I'll break five minutes later.
Having just gotten off of a week in which we watched The Lord of the Rings trilogy, extended editions, I must say that I am far more like who Éowyn actually is than who her family wants her to be. And you know what? Tom must be a little like Faramir to accept me and love me for the way I am - strong, fair-skinned, and against the grain. (Don't hate me for not having read the books!)
Anyway, in my heart, I know God is good with this, seeing as He arranged it all and made us the people we are. I don't think He'll be offended if I don't promise something he didn't create me to deliver.
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