"What's your five year plan?"

One of my favorite quotes about life.
From John Lennon's"Beautiful Boy."

I recently received a callback from a job to which I applied about a week before.  Before scheduling an interview, the woman's voice on the other end of the speaker asked, "I'd like to ask you some questions; would that be alright?"  I was just sitting there on my bed, excited about this phone call, and stunned that there were questions to ask me.  But, I thought, sure, why not?  So I said, "Of course!" and the questions commenced.

One that hung in the air for a beat before my response was,

"What is your five year plan?  Where do you see yourself in five years?"

I wanted to scream, "Are you serious right now?  Five years?!"  I've been asked this question fairly often lately, especially since my engagement and wedding.  From someone I know well, I generally take it as an affront to my sense of honesty; I expect that they're putting down what I'm doing in the here and now in addition to trying to find a roundabout way to get me to say something about the (imaginary) child in my body who will be almost five in five years.  

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In the two or three seconds the question(s) radiated in the silence, a million things came to mind.  A couple years ago, my counselor explained to me that in addition to the well-known fight or flight reaction generally given credit for panic attacks and anxiety issues, a lot of people don't consider why these things happen and why they actually make sense.  The way our brains work, we make connections all over the place.  So, when I was asked about my "five year plan," not only did I think of all the times people have asked me this recently, but I recalled all the times I've been asked this in the past - starting in early high school, probably, then the times teachers would have you imagine what you'd be doing in ten years and write a story about it (I always thought twenty-four and seventeen would be magical ages.  I don't know why.), the time my then best friend forced me to sit down and write out a set of goals for different times (Life-long, 1-year, 5-year, 10-year) of my life, and a bunch of other things.  Memories.  Flooding.

Immediately, I thought, "I haven't even accomplished any of my 'goals' from the last five years.  This is stupid.  I don't like setting goals."  I was blown away in December when my mom asked me this question, but then I just said, "I don't think goals are important.  I want to be happy and healthy."  Coming from her, it was bizarre.  When I was little, she and I stopped making actual plans because every time we did, they'd fall through.  Instead, we opted for "adventures" to different places.  Time limits were flexible, activities optional, and it made more sense to me - and to her.

Still, I happen to have the journal in which I made those goals about 5.5 years ago.  Somehow, when the question was out there, I was thinking, "I haven't followed the goals so far."  I just looked at the "goals."  I was surprised to see that, although I never did a lot of the shorter-term goals, my five year goals have shaped up rather close to their deadline.

As of July 9, 2008

Life-long Goals:

-Raise a family

-Stay Christian (find denomination closer to actual beliefs?)

-Write @ least one best-seller

1-Year Goals:

-complete @ least 1 semester of college Not until August 2009

-volunteer in a Nat'l Park

-Write 300 pages of a novel

-Journal Daily

-Pick university, apply, get FAFSA, visit FAFSA 2009, 4-year college 2010

-have a job

-Driver's License Oct. 2008, Passport April 2012

-Cross-Country Rd Trip

-Finish French Kit

5-Year Goals:

-Graduate from College

-Be Engaged/Married

-Have gone to Europe

-Free-lance for Magazines/Local Papers

-have @ least one novel published

10-Year Goals:

-At least three kids

-Really pushing novels/collections of essays

Now, of course, when I look at some of these, things have adjusted.  I've given up on certain things.  I've changed my mind countless times.  That list is followed by a chart of pros and cons for different majors; history and English are both on there, but I remember feeling so helpless about picking anything.  I was once much more dreamy than I am now - "I want to write," but I seldom wrote.  I remember thinking when I wrote out my five year goals that getting married was an impossible task because it was something that didn't depend solely on me, but on someone else, too.  I was bad enough at believing I could do much, let alone influencing others in any way.  Looking back, I did only one of the things on my 1-year goals within the set time limit: got a driver's license.  I completed others of them in the time since and I've found different things to fill the voids.  There remain items on the list that I yearn to do.  I bug Tom about taking a cross country road trip.  I try to get myself to journal daily, but it never happens - I started a gratitude journal last week that seems to be going well; I seem to be able to do a sentence a day.  I'll start on my novel someday.  I'll dust off that French Kit and restart.

But for now, I think the big picture matters most.  I've done a lot with my life that I never would have imagined having done for fulfilled in the ways that I have.  I went to an amazing school in Kentucky where I made some incredible friends.  I volunteered for a nonprofit and got it running because the friend who made me make the goals wanted help doing so.  So far, my "Europe" has been a stopover in Paris's Charles de Gaulle airport en route to spend the better part of a week in the European side of Istanbul, Turkey.  I fell in love with someone I'd known for years, crushed on forever, and we got married in December!  AS far as the future goes, I can hardly imagine having one kid in the far off someday.  I definitely don't want "at least three" in the next five years.  I'd like to do more writing.  I want to remain happy.

All of that - and more - came to my brain.

JournalGoalsFailureBythegraceofGodWhereIamnowWhatmattersTomMyapartmentFamilyHappyFriendsWifeHealthyJoyfulWeightFoxEtc.

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Luckily, I'm cooler talking to people I don't know well or at all.

I took all of those thoughts and composed them as well as I could.

"You know, I'm not really very good with setting goals like that.  I set some goals a few years back and nothing has turned out the way I planned, but everything is so much better than I could have imagined.  I've learned to roll with what happens and to figure life out as it comes at me.  It seems to be working so far."

Yes, I'm sure there were a couple "um"'s in there and a little nervous giggle, but I was honest.  I was true.  I wasn't lying.

She liked it and invited me to "come by" Friday at 10:30 a.m..

And so, today, I went in there and did myself.  I elaborated on my strengths, weaknesses, and joys and discontents.  I told them what I could do for them and that when people expect much from me, I deliver.  I smiled and spilled coffee on my notebook.  I laughed when I wanted to.  I rocked a sweater vest and pearls.  I looked like I knew what I was doing and made them like me.

You know what?  I think they'll let me work for them because of it.  I certainly hope so.  I love their online vibe, office atmosphere, and the smiling faces I met with my own grin.  I could work for them and be happy with it.

But if that doesn't work out, something else will come.  Someone else will see the strength of a non-five year plan and a goal of happy and healthy.  Sure, I could lament the same things I've lamented in the past and whine that the problem with job seeking is that it's not just a "me" thing - it's also a "them" thing.  Sure.  But what's the use?

Besides which, you see,
I have con-fi-dence in meeeeeeeeee!

I'm getting corny in my happiness, but this is my life.  And although I'm not always in control, I do have some control and I have confidence that I can do anything.

Thanks to all of the people who have helped me strengthen this belief.  I love y'all.